Johnny

Sometimes I miss my foster buddy Johnny so much I can barely breathe. Tomorrow it will be 9 weeks since I held him in my arms. Since I heard his little voice say "Minny!" or talk about cars or bugs or his sweet foster brother Isaac "Zakzak." So often people ask me if fostering is worth it. "It must be so hard giving them up" or "I could never do that. It is so painful." Yes, dear friends, painful it is. But I can tell you it is also SO worth it. The sweet 5 month old that came to me two years ago almost to the day was so quiet, so weak, so attention starved. You couldn't even hear him cry. I think he learned it wasn't worth it. All he wanted to do was cuddle up to you. It was a long time before I saw him smile. But oh how much that boy has changed! And how much he has changed me. I wonder what he would have become if God hadn't brought me into his life. I wonder what I would have become if God didn't bring him into my life! Despite the deep sadness I feel now, the sudden tears when I see something with "Cars" or "Nemo" on it, the emptiness of my arms, it was all worth it. As much as I changed Johnny's life, Johnny changed mine more. The next time you face something you feel may be too hard or not worth it because of the pain that will eventually come, remember that God makes beautiful things out of the dust. Embrace the time you have now. Enjoy every giggle, every moment that makes you go "Wow God." Don't live in the land of the "what if's." I struggled with that with my sweet sweet boy. I will never forget the time I got off the phone after hearing for the first time that Johnny may end up in the orphanage for good instead of in a home like I thought. What pain, what heartache, what brokenness. When I arrived home, that sweet little boy looked at me, cocked his head, and wiped away my tears. That is what Jesus wants to do for me, for you as well. Bring your sadness, your brokenness, your fears to Him. There were many times in my journey with Johnny that it felt like God maybe forgot about him, that maybe His hands were too full. But I am starting to see, slowly, that He loves Johnny more than I ever could and has a great plan for him and for me. Is it what I thought would happen? The first time I met his adoptive parents I was crushed. How could this be who God chose for my sweet boy? But God is bigger than that. The more I got to know his parents, the more I see God's hand in it. Are there days that are still hard? Oh my yes. But my God is faithful, and my God is good. Is this journey easy? No way. Was fostering him, pouring my life into him for almost two years worth it, despite the pain? Oh my yes. When the sky is dark, the clearer I can see His light.